Why do we say we are okay when we aren’t? When did the question, how are you, become an appendage of hello instead of an individual question wanting an answer? Do we really care or are we just being polite? How did we get to the place where platitudes are common courtesy and meaningful conversation trades for a nod and a smile? How is it that we are so globally connected yet so desperately alone?
I recall an instance not too long ago when I was grocery shopping and saw someone make eye contact with me. He said hello and asked how I was doing as he approached me. Pleasantly surprised, I opened my mouth to respond (which for me, being an introvert, is an accomplishment), as he just kept walking by not waiting to hear my reply! I thought, how rude! He obviously was just trying to be nice, and wasn’t really interested in how I, someone he didn’t even know, was doing. That stuck with me that day. It made me feel sad. Not just because I felt ignored and not worth someones’ time, but because I had to admit that I have done the same thing to someone in the past. I decided that day that I wouldn’t ask someone how they were unless I fully intended to listen to their response. Saying hello and smiling is enough of a passing pleasantry.
Why Not Ask?
Effective communication has become lost in today’s society. We’ve traded books for apps, philosophical debates with small talk, and social functions with virtual chat rooms. We create our own little virtual worlds where we follow, subscribe, and like all things that we agree with. That in itself isn’t bad, but we then exclude those unlike ourselves and commit to a constructed world of anything self-edifying. How can we learn to communicate if we wall ourselves off from anyone not contained in our constructed worlds? We have made it virtually impossible to understand anyone else’s point of view because we don’t “subscribe” to that. Because we have been accustomed to our little bubbles, we are hesitant to let anyone in. The height of caring for the human condition has fallen so short that we don’t ask and we don’t share.
While stopped at a light the other day, I was crying. I, like most, have been jolted by the state of our country and all the emotions that have been building up fell down my cheeks wetting my face. A truck to my left pulled through the intersection, and the driver locked eyes with me with a bewildered expression on his face. He took a moment to notice me. He saw the tears streaming down my face and visibly slowed down. This was a human connection. Someone seeing someone else in pain and being affected by it. I had no idea what went through his mind. I’m sure he wondered why I was so upset. Maybe it stuck with him that day, maybe not. The point is, that wasn’t the first time I’ve cried while driving, nor the first time I’ve cried in public, but it was the first time, in a long time, that someone showed concern for my wellbeing. A complete stranger showed he cared in that few seconds of eye contact and his notice made me grateful for human compassion.
Why Not Share?
That got me thinking, why don’t we share? Apart from not being asked in the first place, when we are offered an opening to respond, why do we say we are fine, okay, great (insert adjective here) when we really aren’t? Is it just an automatic response to a tagged greeting? Or is it that we would rather not divulge anything that would break our facade? Because, if we answered honestly, we may fill that blank with afraid, alone, mistreated, angry, invalidated, hopeless, or misunderstood. If we answered honestly, we may be rejected. I think a lot of social avoidance, on an intimate level, is because we are afraid that what we have to say won’t count. What we are feeling won’t penetrate the hearts of the random person standing across from us, and we will have wasted something so precious to us, our heart, on deaf ears. Maybe we don’t answer because, if we are honest, we would have to examine ourselves and make a change. Because what we are feeling goes far beyond small talk and triviality. Our take on current events, and our stances in the political arena just scratch the surface of something that goes much deeper. A place where hurt and pain live, disguised in anger and frustration. Are we so afraid to go there? Yes, because we feel alone. We feel like no one else will even try to understand where we are coming from because it is a different perspective from theirs. Sadly, this has become true a lot of the time. We are all walking around on eggshells screaming on the inside trying not to start a war. How can we get back compassion and reconcile indifference in this world?
It was the first time, in a long time, that someone showed concern for my wellbeing.
Start with self examination. We have to be willing to admit that this world is full of different people with varying opinions based on their experiences in life. Everyone wants to be heard, validated and loved. We need to get passed the fear that if we open our mouths to speak, sobs will come out in place of words and we will be left vulnerable. We must concede to the fact that we see things from a skewed point of view because of our own realities. But just because that is all we know, doesn’t render all other experiences invalid and not worth a second look. Practicing empathy will cultivate human compassion and eventially, open the door to real communication where we can share our feelings and experiences without the fear of being ridiculed, lashed out at or dismissed. Taking the time to really listen to someone when they speak and opening up to answer honestly about how we are doing could open a new world of understanding. So, how are you doing today?
"Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection."
