Secluded
I remember being a young, awkward girl with not many friends, but quite a few acquaintances growing up. You see, I have social anxiety that was quite bad as a child and it kept me from making friends. I saw life pretty much one way and I, at the time, didn’t know how to see it from any other perspective. I knew I was different in the way I communicated, learned, and worked. It was actually pretty frustrating most of the time because of the way I internalized my feelings. I was really lonely and felt as though I didn’t have anyone I could rely on or run to for help or advice.
The household I grew up in didn’t allow for an open flow of communication. Not because of any lack of love or understanding or any abuse, but, as a preacher’s kid, being perceived as perfect was a difficult standard to live by. Because of my father’s position as a pastor and my mother his devoted wife, all those thoughts and feelings that were completely normal for my age were not to be talked about or explored in any fashion lest you succumb to sin and damn yourself to Hell. I felt far from “normal.” Even if that wasn’t the exact phrasing given, it was an unspoken fact that I felt deep down as a pre-pubescent child with a long and extremely narrow road ahead of me. Although, now that I’ve grown in my understanding that “there is no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1 KJV), the kid in me was very confused and scared.
“If I walked up on kids talking and they got quiet suddenly or happened to change the subject abruptly, I assumed that they were talking about me behind my back and quickly silenced so that I wouldn’t hear them.”
Excluded
I felt that I was well-liked at school, but not enough to be considered part of anyone’s group. I was a friend to many, but let myself be excluded from most clicks, groups, and activities. This did a number on my self-esteem. Because of the fear of being rejected by saying something stupid, not being trendy, or not being cool enough to belong, I missed out on a lot of school activities and friendships that could have left good memories to cherish. My view of most of my childhood was from the sidelines watching and wishing I was a part of the game.
I had some paranoia as well when it came to how I thought others viewed me. They never said anything ill about me that I can recall, but, in my own mind, they were laughing at me and purposely excluding because they didn’t really like me. If I walked up on kids talking and they got quiet suddenly or happened to change the subject abruptly, I assumed that they were talking about me behind my back and quickly silenced so that I wouldn’t hear them. A lot of the time, I wouldn’t even know the kids that were in discussion, but I was convinced there must be some horrible story going around about me and everyone is clued in on it except for me. I thought that everyone was against me or out to get me in some way. Grace Vanderwaal is an American singer/songwriter who wrote and performed her original song, I Don’t Know My Name on America’s Got Talent in 2016 at the age of twelve. That song pretty much summed up the way I felt every day when I was her age. I remember how impressed I was that she was able to express the way she felt in such a lovely way. That is a great gift.
Deluded
This picture I’ve drawn Sounds pretty depressing, but It also may sound really familiar to some. I have trepidation that loneliness and solidarity that I felt as a child and even into my adult years is prevalent today amongst our youth and even grown individuals. With all of the technological advances in our society, it has brought with it withdrawal and seclusion. We are so connected to everything yet so disconnected at the same time from human touch and physical interaction that we so desperately need. Our sense of loneliness has been deepened with each phone application addition and virtual world constructions that we have lost the true meaning of being connected. I feel a loss for those who have no ideas what it is like to be without it. According to The Journal of Pediatrics, 2018 referenced in CDC for Children’s Mental Health,
- 7.4% of children aged 3-17 years (approximately 4.5 million) have a diagnosed behavior problem.
- 7.1% of children aged 3-17 years (approximately 4.4 million) have diagnosed anxiety.
- 3.2% of children aged 3-17 years (approximately 1.9 million) have diagnosed depression.
“Becoming consumed with ourselves and our daily routines, we push out human interaction and embrace our devices searching for a connection that we can only get through relationship.”
It is no wonder that so many feel like they stand alone. In reality, we are all feeling the same way and don’t even realize it. When we begin to seclude ourselves, we start to lose touch with neighbors, friends, and our families. Pretty soon it is difficult to relate to one another on a personal level. Becoming consumed with ourselves and our daily routines, we push out human interaction and embrace our devices searching for a connection that we can only get through relationship. This is becoming so much more apparent now with the pandemic keeping us from the little contact we had before. This has added to an already lost and hurting world leaving us feeling unwanted, unaccepted, and utterly alone. I see sadness and hopelessness sweeping across this world and I pray for change.
Included
I pray that we can start to see each other’s pain and give comfort. I hope we reach out to those who may not have someone to talk to about what their “normal” looks like. I imagine a world where our children seek each other out to lift each other up instead of hiding behind masks and false pretences. I want us to start accepting human condition so we can connect to discover compassion. When we allow separation from fear we are able to hold tight to our convictions. When we finally start to see our reflection in others, we can stop assuming everyone is out to get us and realize the truth that we are all broken in some way and in need of a connection.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
